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Humor to make the day that much better...
Airline Chatter
The following are alleged exchanges between aircraft and control towers from around the world:


The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
 
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
 
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"

A DC-10 had a exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
 
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadaloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
 

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
 
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
 
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
 
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
 
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well... I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
 

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm fucking bored!".
 
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
 
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"
 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
 
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
 
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern.
 
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
 

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
 
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."
 

I was in a Pan Am 727 FE waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't recall call signs any longer)
 
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
 
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
 
Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
 
Beautiful English Accent: "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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