Home Interviews Music Film / TV Arts / Books Tech News New Stuff
Soapbox Foto Bizarro Cool Sites Backpages Forum Chat Editorial Contact Us
Humor to make the day that much better...
Apocalypse... Now!
The intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take years to play out, but here, is a more fast-paced version:
 
8:00 AM - Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begins to rise to paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"
 
8:02 AM - Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.
 
8:13 AM - Taco Bell Chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway.
 
9:04 AM - Global economy collapses - except for Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly.
 
9:45 AM - All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.
 
12:00 NOON - Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions."
 
12:03 PM - Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping Evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.
 
2:18 PM - Saddam Hussein takes Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn.
 
3:21 PM - Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly.
 
4:56 PM - Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.
 
5:20 PM - Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.
 
6:12 PM - the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.
 
9:27 PM - God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.
 
10:00 PM - Today's winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!!
 
11:30 PM - God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to break up over the phone?).
 
12:00 MIDNIGHT - Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and - with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth -the world blows up.a

All rights reserved © KAOS2000™. No portion contained herein, either text or graphics, may be reproduced anywhere or reposted on any other website for any purpose without the expressed permission of the publisher. All violations shall be punished as the law allows.

Home | Interviews | Music | Film / TV | Arts / Books | Tech | News | New Stuff | Soapbox | Foto Bizarro | Cool Sites | Backpages | Editorial | Letters | Forum | Chat | Contact Us