- The intense events leading up to Armageddon are supposed to take years to play out, but here, is a more fast-paced version:
8:00 AM - Rapture: Doors of Heaven open; earth's righteous begins to rise to paradise. Dan Quayle briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"
8:02 AM - Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.
8:13 AM - Taco Bell Chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes and people find him irresistible anyway.
9:04 AM - Global economy collapses - except for Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly.
9:45 AM - All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.
12:00 NOON - Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions."
12:03 PM - Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping Evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.
2:18 PM - Saddam Hussein takes Kuwait again; U.S. issues a statement formally not giving a damn.
3:21 PM - Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly.
4:56 PM - Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.
5:20 PM - Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts.
6:12 PM - the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.
9:27 PM - God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.
10:00 PM - Today's winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!!
11:30 PM - God finally answers all the big questions (e.g., is it ever OK to break up over the phone?).
12:00 MIDNIGHT - Tied in the World Series, Boston Red Sox and Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and - with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth -the world blows up.a