- With the current fervor over the ending of the comic strip Peanuts, it may behoove you to know the fate of Mr. Schultz beloved characters as they enter adult life.
Charlie Brown- Charlie Brown married Lucy after High School. Charlie spent many years as an over-the-road truck driver. The long hours away from his wife and constant diet of lot lizards drove Charlie and Lucy apart over time. After the divorce, Charlie took to the bottle for comfort until he got in an accident and lost his license for DUI. The auto accident left him with a colostomy bag, and when no one's looking he likes to stick his finger in the hole and say "Oh, yeah, .that's how Papa like it".
Linus- After a short stint in and dishonorable discharge from the military, Linus married, divorced, and moved back home with his parents, where he rekindled his relationship with his one true love, his blanket. Now Regional Head of Marketing for Microsoft, he wears his blanket under his clothes like Andy Kaufman did his Women's Wrestling Championship Belt.
Lucy- marries Charlie Brown right out of High School. She divorced Charlie on the grounds of Adultery after she discovered Charlie Brown brought home some of that stuff that Ajax couldn't clean and Comet wouldn't mess with, if you know what I mean. Lucy is now happily remarried and works in a truck stop in Galveston.
Peppermint Patty- Left her hometown after High School and went to college at Kent State, where she majored in Women's Studies. Paddy was a outspoken proponent for women's rights, but after making no headway she dropped out and went to Sweden to undergo a sex change (in her memoirs, she is quoted saying, 'Hell, if you can't beat 'em join 'em'). Upon her return to the 'States, he/she wandered around for several years until settling in Texas to work high iron. Two years ago this March he ran across Lucy at a truck stop in Galveston, and the two have been inseparable ever sense. They were wed in June, 2001, and no, Charlie Brown wasn't invited.
Schroeder- Schroeder came out of the closet on his 15th Birthday. He actually had a long and prodigious career ghost writing hit songs for Britney Spears, Cannibal Corpse, and Devo among others. Two years before his death he made scandalous headlines for trying to wrestle Elton John's 'King Of The Divas' tiara from right off his head, which resulted in a slap-fight. Schroeder dated Andrew Cunanan.
Pigpen- Pigpen became a male dancer known as Stinky LaRoux. He also did porn under the name Ron Jeremy. Pigpen's true call to fame came starring as a stunt double for Babe the Pig, and portraying Herve Villachaez on South Park. Pigpen was uncircumcised and died of skin failure.
Snoopy- Frustrated after 50 years of toil trying to write the Great American Novel, Snoopy turned to a life of liquor, drugs, and cheap sex to fill the void left by his failure. At his lowest, he was arrested on Thanksgiving Eve for breaking into the hangar that housed the gigantic Macy's parade balloons, where he was found dry humping the face of the balloon resembling his estranged lover, Woodstock. But Snoopy was able to turn his life around and for many years ran a treatment center for animal stars with substance abuse problems. In the end, Snoopy was able to reach out and help such ailing and hackneyed stars as Dyno-Mutt, Scooby Dumb, Krypto, and the original Wonder Dog.
Woodstock- After breaking it off with Snoopy, Woodstock tragically became obsessed with Tweety Bird. Woodstock was envious of his more famous counterpart, going so far as making his nest out of old Looney Toons comics. Woodstock realized that if Tweety was knocked off then he could hop his way right on in (kind of like the Budweiser Lizards). Woodstock's world collapsed on the night that he was found sleeping in Tweety's cage late one Christmas Eve. Tweety's bodyguards really did a number on the little guy, leaving him with a head wound so severe that he had to have a metal plate installed in his forehead. Now all Woodstock does is sit around his nest all day staring blankly at an indifferent sky, except for any time the microwave goes off near him, the interference will cause him to shake his head, scoot around in a circle, cheep the archaic phrase "White Power", and forget who he is for 25 minutes.
The Red-headed Girl- no one really knows what became of the red-headed girl. All our records indicate she danced topless in a short independent film, achieved the rank of Black Belt in Aikido, and also dated Andrew Cunanan. The last time anyone heard from her was when she approached the LA Times wanting to expose the Colonel's Secret Blend of Herbs and Spices.