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Humor to make the day that much better...
Ponderances
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it

Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

There are two theories to arguing with women; neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. This way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

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