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Humor to make the day that much better...
Resume Statements
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

5. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

7. It's best for employers that I not work with people.

8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

10. Am a perfectionist and rarely, if ever, forget details.

11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain tore.

21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

27. Church preference: Red brick.

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