Home Interviews Music Film / TV Arts / Books Tech News New Stuff
Soapbox Foto Bizarro Cool Sites Backpages Forum Chat Editorial Contact Us
Humor to make the day that much better...
Rules For Playing Blues
The following tips for aspiring songwriters were forwarded by Marcella Pry and Lonnie "Lonnie the Talking Harmonica" Glosson. Lonnie is still performing at 92.

Here are some tips for any of you pursuing a career in the blues-music world:

1. Many blues begin with "Woke up this mornin'....." This is to differentiate blues musicians from most other musicians, who sleep past noon.

2. The nice thing about the blues is that once you've written the first line, you're pretty much done with the second line, too.

3. Chevys and Cadillacs are blues cars. Other acceptable blues modes of transportation are as follows:
a. Greyhound bus
b. southbound train
c. walkin'
 
Unacceptable modes of transportation for the blues:
a. any non-U.S. car (Volvo, Fiat, Honda, etc.)
b. touring bike
c. cruise ship
d. motor scooter
e. roller blades
 
4. Teenagers shouldn't sing the blues until they're old enough to get the electric chair if they shoot a man in Memphis.

5. You can have the blues in New York City. St. Louis, Chicago, and Kansas City are other good blues towns. You cannot have the blues in Vail, The Hamptons, or any town whose name ends in "Beach."

6. Shot in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair. It is not a blues death if you die during liposuction treatment.

7. You have the right to sing the blues if:
a. you're blind
b. you shot a man in Memphis
c. you can't be satisfied
 
But not if:
a. you once were blind but now can see
b. you shot an 85 at golf
c. your Dad left you a trust fund
 
8. Good places for the blues:
a. a highway
b. a jailhouse
c. an empty bed
d. a freight train
 
9. Bad places for the blues:
a. Yellowstone National Park
b. the country club
c. gallery openings
d. indoor tennis courts
 
10. If you ask for water and yo' baby give you gasoline, that's the blues.
 
Other blues drinks include:
a. wine
b. whiskey
c. muddy water
 
Blues beverages do not include:
a. any drink with a little umbrella
b. any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
d. Jello shots
 
11. Picking a blues name:
a. start with an infirmity (Blind, Li'l, Fat, Lame, Clubfoot)
b. add Willie, Johnny, or Joe
c. pick a U.S. President (Washington, Johnson, Fillmore, Roosevelt, etc.)
d. Persons with names like Ashley, Brittney, Chad, Kimberly, Cissy, Brad, or
 
Skip may not sing the blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

All rights reserved © KAOS2000™. No portion contained herein, either text or graphics, may be reproduced anywhere or reposted on any other website for any purpose without the expressed permission of the publisher. All violations shall be punished as the law allows.

Home | Interviews | Music | Film / TV | Arts / Books | Tech | News | New Stuff | Soapbox | Foto Bizarro | Cool Sites | Backpages | Editorial | Letters | Forum | Chat | Contact Us