- Dear Santa,
- I wood like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
- YeR FReND,
- BiLLy
Dear Billy,
- Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a monkey trainer. How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger.
- Santa
- Dear Santa,
- I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
- Love,
- Sarah
Dear Sarah,
- You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
- Santa
- Dear Santa,
- I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
- Love,
- Joey
Dear Joey,
- Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
- Santa
- Dear Santa,
- I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Pleasesee what you can do.
- Love,
- Teddy
Dear Teddy,
- What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the baby-sitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice LEGOs instead.
- Santa
- Dear Santa,
- I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon cards than me. Please see what you can do.
- Love,
- Michelle
Dear Michelle,
- It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
- Santa
- Dear Santa,
- I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
- Love,
- Francis
Dear Francis,
- Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
- Santa
- Dear Santa,
- I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
- Love,
- Susan
Dear Susan,
- Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer shoot air biscuits in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone.
- Santa
- Dear Santa,
- What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
- Your friend,
- Thomas
Dear Thomas,
- All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time picking up prostitutes and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU asked!
- Santa
- Dear Santa,
- Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
- Love,
- Jessica
Dear Jessica,
- Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house...
- Santa
- Dear Santa,
- I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
- Timmy
Timmy,
- That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater vest again.
- Santa
- Dearest Santa,
- We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
- Love,
- Marky
Mark,
- First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
- Sweet Dreams!
- Santa
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