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Slightly Twisted TV Listings from the Marin (CA) Independent Journal
The City of Marin in California has its own newspaper called the Marin Independent Journal. Just like in many other newspapers, it contains local TV listings. Unlike other papers and guides, the listings offered by MIJ's own "TV Guy," are a bit skewed with his own, more honest approach of program descriptions. For many years, the following list had made its circulation around the internet, with the idea of these being actual listings being little more than a rumor. But now that MIJ has its own website, it has its own home on the 'net for the TV Guy to continue his blatant listings. So enjoy the following, and for more fun and informative listings, visit MIJ and TV Guy at -
http://www.marinij.com/thattvguy

7 p.m. "Old Yeller" (1961).
A boy and his dog experience a series of frontier adventures forming a bond that is both uplifting and enduring. Then he kills it. The Disney Channel.

8:00 p.m. "The Wizard of Oz" - Ray Bolger, Judy Garland (1939) B/W, Color.
Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again. Channel 4

8 p.m. "Chimps and Wild Dogs of Africa"
Two groups you never want to invite to the same party. Discovery Channel.

8 p.m. "Scenes From A Mall" (1990).
Of course Woody Allen had to end up in a mall. That's where all the 14-year-old girls hang out. Channel 36.

8:30 p.m. "Batman" (1989)
A rich guy with a bat fetish skips the psychotherapy and puts the money into frightening and violent toys. Channel 4.

9 p.m. "Nash Bridges"
Dominguez gets kicked out by his wife and has to move in with Nash. Meanwhile, Nash is tailing a trafficker in stolen "Odd Couple" scripts. Channel 5.

8 p.m. "Nova" "Kaboom"
traces the history of explosives from the earliest Chinese black powder fireworks to the invention of the 1972 Ford Pinto. Channel 9.

8 p.m. ""Star Trek: Generations" (1994).
This film marks William Shatner's final outing as Capt. Kirk. We'll never see that toupee again. Unless they decide to remake the "Trouble with Tribbles" episode. HBO.

8 p.m. "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey" (1993).
Two dogs and a cat, left behind by their owners, trek through rugged terrain to find the owners and wreak a bloody revenge. Channel 20.

8 p.m. "American Music Awards"
Poignant memories are stirred when a reunited Motley Crue takes the stage. Channel 7.

8 p.m. "The Stepford Husbands"
In "The Stepford Wives," the women were taken to secret laboratories where they were turned in to submissive robots programmed to please. With the men, it's easier. They just take the batteries out of the remote control. Channel 5.

9 p.m. "Chicago Hope"
The much-anticipated medical marijuana episode. The folks at Doritos, Pop Tarts and Zig-Zag all bought big blocks of commercial time. Channel 5.

7 p.m. "Love Me Tender" (1956).
Elvis's first film finds him in the Civil War South where he grows increasingly upset upon learning that Percodan and donuts had yet to be invented. American Movie Classics.

9 p.m. "Party of Five"
Can't anybody have a drink on one of these shows without having their friends stage an intervention? Channel 2.

8 p.m. "Santa Clause" (1985).
Dudley Moore plays an elf who attempts to escape a sweat shop existence in an isolated polar compound ruled over by a charismatic leader given to flamboyant dress. Channel 50.

10 p.m. "20/20"
In a segment on legal prostitution, John Stossel tours a legal brothel. And all Hugh Downs got was a lousy T-shirt. Channel 7.

5:30 p.m. "Chaplin" (1992).
Robert Downey Jr. is the famous actor who finds his career torn apart by his inability to control his dark cravings. He's also in this movie about a silent film star. Showtime.

8 p.m. "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" (1992).
A high school cheerleader takes on a dark legion of soulless beings who suck the essence out of life. But it turns out to be the glee club so she goes after the vampires instead. Channel 2.

10:30 p.m. "Dog Day Afternoon" (1975)
Al Pacino plays an excitable young man who has difficulties dealing with the customer service at a Manhattan bank. TBS.

Noon "Rocky III" (1982).
This is the film responsible for the troubling 1980s cultural phenomenon known as "Mr. T" Channel 2.

10:45 p.m. "City Slickers" (1991)
A group of middle-aged men leave their wives behind and head for the rugged country where they wear lots of leather and make elaborate use of ropes and harness. The Movie Channel.

9 p.m. "With God On Our Sides"
The history of the religious right. And why they're so much fun at parties.
Channel 9.

8 p.m. "Subtle as a Serpent"
A look at the habits of the slimy reptiles and their uncanny ability to pass the Bar exam. Discovery Channel.

8 p.m. "Legends of the Fall" (1995).
Brad Pitt and Aidan Quinn play brothers growing up in the wilds of Montana forced to choose between joining an anti-government militia or becoming reclusive serial bombers.

6:15 p.m. "Lassie" (1994).
In this updated version, the resourceful canine goes undercover to expose a modern slave trade flourishing in the rural strip joint industry. HBO.

6:30 p.m. "Son of Godzilla" (1967).
The tender story of a son striving to gain the approval of his temperamental father. The Disney Channel.

8 p.m. "Fluke" (1985).
A business man is killed and then comes back as a dog, scrambling to find the family he left behind. It's kind of like "Ghost," only he's a dog. So instead of caressing his mournful wife with his spiritual aura, he goes straight for her leg. Showtime.

7 p.m. "Ghostbusters II" (1989).
Some jokes never get old. This wasn't one of them. Comedy Central.

9 p.m., "Showgirls" (1995)
Elizabeth Berkley wanted to sink her teeth into a meaty role, except she was the meat. Showtime.

8 p.m. "Planet of the Apes" (1968).
The Charlton Heston classic that inspired such similar simian productions as "Apes of Wrath," "She Wore A Yellow Gibbon," and "Last Orangutango in Paris" Channel 50.

9:30 p.m. "The Fly" (1958)
A scientist pays the ultimate price when he challenges the laws of nature and puts metal in a microwave. American Movie Classics.

1 a.m. "Christopher Columbus: The Discovery" (1992).
With Marlon Brando in the lead , it appears the famed explorer discovered nothing more than a donut shop. And then kept discovering it over and over again. Channel 44.

7:20 p.m. "The Blob" (1988)
A giant pulsating blob grows larger and larger, consuming everything it touches. Then it gets off the couch. The Movie Channel.

8 p.m. "Soylent Green" (1973)
Charlton Heston is a detective in 21st century Manhattan where the city has become so horribly overcrowded that is it is virtually indistinguishable from present-day Manhattan. TNT.

8:30 p.m. "Smart Guy"
A child prodigy skips several grades and lands in high school at the age of 10. In television, this is known as "Doogie Howser Syndrome" Channel 20.

10 p.m. "The Odd Couple" (1968).
Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon star in this look at the early days of the men's movement. American Movie Classics.

10:40 p.m. "Pavarotti with Peter Unstinov"
From his Italian summer home, Luciano Pavarotti talks about what makes him tick. We suspect it has something to do with donuts. Channel 9

8 p.m. "Star Wars" (1977).
A starry-eyed young man on a desolate planet is caught up in a series of adventures that end with him killing several thousand Death Star workers who were really just doing their jobs. USA Network.

5 p.m. "The Republican National Convention"
All the colorful costumes, dazzling choreography and death-defying high-wire acts that make the Grand Old Party so darn Grand! Channel 9.

9 p.m. "Mommie Dearest" (1981).
Watch Faye Dunaway's transformation from successful actress to frightening drag queen icon in this look at the advanced parenting techniques pioneered by Joan Crawford. The Movi Channel.

9 p.m. "World Music Awards"
Awards shows lose heaps of credibility every time the words "Hootie and the Blowfish" are mentioned. Channel 7.

8:50 p.m. "The Road to Zanzibar" (1941)
Bing Crosby and Bob Hope enjoy a healthy masculine friendship on their way through Africa. American Movie Classics.

9 p.m. "Sleeping With The Enemy" (1991).
Julia Robert's real enemy is probably her agent. Did anybody see "Mary Reilly"? Channel 7.

11:45 p.m. "Blues Family Reunion"
Dan Aykroyd reprises his Elwood Blues character with help from Jim Belushi and John Goodman. John Belushi will provide back-up rhythm by rolling in his grave. The Disney Channel.

4:30 p.m. "Major League Baseball"
The Oakland A's are in Baltimore's Camden Yards for a workshop on "stadium envy" Channel 4.
8 p.m. "Vampire in Brooklyn" (1995).
An evil entity rises from the dead. And that was just Eddie Murphy's career. HBO.

7:35 p.m. "King Kong" (1976).
The special effects are big and expensive but what's really spectacular is the fact that Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange both managed to salvage their careers. TBS.

3 a.m. "Hellbound: Hellraiser II" (1988)
Pinhead retires to a Florida beach community and volunteers at a youth soccer camp. Channel 2.

6 p.m. "A Little Piece of Heaven"
Kirk Cameron plays a young man who tries to give two children "the gift of Christmas" after their orphanage is closed, but learns that what they really want is the "gift of Nintendo" Channel 44.

9 p.m. "Thrill"
A psychotic terrorizes an amusement park, planting a bomb on a roller coaster and setting it to go off if less than half the mviewing audience has seen "Speed" Antonio Sabato Jr. stars as Keanu Reeves. Channel 4.

8 p.m. "Die Hard" (1988).
A holiday party in a Los Angeles High-rise is interrupted by terrorists who complain that the hors d'oeuvres are "less than satisfactory" USA Network.

8 p.m. "Celebrity Weddings: In Style"
Who knows weddings better than celebrities? After four or five times, you get pretty good at it. Lifetime Channel.

9 p.m. "Monster Truck Challenge II"
A much-needed follow-up to the vague incomplete feeling many experienced watching the first "Monster Truck Challenge" The Nashville Network.

9 p.m. "Nash Bridges"
Baseball superstar Barry Bonds guests in this episode about a professional ball player who hires Nash and Dominguez to find his lost modesty. Channel 5.

9 p.m. "Backdraft" (1991)
Ron Howard's pyromania pornography follows the lives of two firefighting brothers in Chicago. The special effects are great. It's like playing with matches, only they're really big matches. The Movie Channel.

1 p.m. "NFL Playoffs"
The Dallas Cowboys and their probation officers visit the Carolina Panthers. Channel 2.

8:30 p.m. "Rock 'n' Jock Superbowl"
Second-string professional athletes and third-string celebrities embarrass themselves on the playing field. Tom Arnold, athletic shorts and all the horror that entails. MTV.

8:30 a.m. "Laurel and Hardy"
Scenes of physical violence without realistic consequences may be inappropriate for younger viewers. American Movie Classics.

9 p.m. "Thomas Jefferson"
Ken Burns' thorough biography uncovers evidence that our third president originally conceived of the Declaration of Independence as a fraternity prank. Channel 9.

8 p.m. "Flintstones" (1994).
John Goodman plays Fred Flintstone, a kind of stone age living a life of quiet desperation, hiding from the questions that haunt his soul. And he has a baby elephant vacuum cleaner. Channel 7.

8:30 p.m. "Smart Guy"
A child prodigy skips several grades and lands in high school at the age of 10. In television, this is known as "Doogie Howser Syndrome" Channel 20.

9 p.m. "Party of Five"
There are hints that Neve Campbell's character my be going to Europe. The same thing happened to Shannen Doherty's character on "Beverly Hills 90210" Maybe they can share a flat in Obscurityville. Channel 2.

9 p.m. "The Piano" (1992).
Holly Hunter is forced to provide piano lessons to Harvey Keitel in windswept 19th Century New Zealand, where the women are shy and withdrawn, the children are quiet and docile and the men fall asleep on the couch, halfway through the movie. Channel 4.

9 p.m. "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer"
Buffy battles an ancient vampire. Of course she does it in a tight revealing outfit but that's why she's Buffy. Channel 20.

11:35 p.m. "The Tonight Show"
The man behind the evil charade that is "Riverdance" Channel 4.

4 p.m. "Altered States" (1980).
A scientist takes a powerful hallucinogen and climbs into an isolation chamber where he regresses to the point where he finds himself feeling and acting like man's most primitive ancestors, eventually taking on the appearance and mental state of Pauly Shore. Channel 44.

7 p.m. "World's Funniest Kid Outtakes"
Kids do the funniest things, and now that everybody and his brother has a video camera, the rest of us have to watch. Channel 2.

11:35 p.m. "The Tonight Show"
Cuba Gooding apologizes to the nation for that whole "Show Me the Money" catch-phrase thing. Channel 4.

9:30 p.m. "Pauly Shore"
As we approach the end of the millennium, be prepared for troubling and inexplicable events and portents, like the premiere of Pauly Shore's new sit-com. Channel 2.

8 p.m. "Hyenas: Nature's Gangsters"
This is an animal suffering from a public relations problem. Discovery Channel.

9 p.m. "Walt Disney World's 25th Anniversary Party"
The Florida theme park opened 25 years ago. That means the first customers should be getting through the line for Space Mountain right about now. Channel 7.

8 p.m. "Deadly Nature"
A look at venomous creatures including scorpions, jellyfish and William F. Buckley. Discovery Channel.

11 p.m. "Late Show with David Letterman"
Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert experience the thrill of Greco-Roman wrestling. Channel 5.

8 p.m. "Beverly Hills 90210"
They've been hinting that Luke Perry will drop in as the ever-brooding Dylan McKay. He doesn't actually show up but his sideburns make a special guest appearance. Channel 2.

7 p.m. "Jeopardy"
The Celebrity Week fun continues with Donna D'Errico, one of the uber blondes from "Baywatch" Categories include "Famous Tan Lines," "Starts with "Duh,"' "Silicone Valley" and "Mall History" Channel 7.

11:35 p.m. "The Tonight Show"
Jenny McCarthy talks about how much she's enjoying her 14th minute of fame. Channel 4.

9 p.m. "Interview with the Vampire" (1994).
Tom Cruise is a bloodsucker who drains the life from everything around him. In this movie, he plays a vampire. Channel 4.

1:30 p.m. "The Kentucky Derby"
Dumb beasts are forced to perform for the amusement of others. And that's just the party crowd in the infield. Channel 7.

7 p.m. "World's Funniest Animal Outtakes"
Segments include a duck that rides a skateboard, a cat that plays piano and a chicken that writes sit-coms for Fox. Channel 2.

8 p.m. "Police Academy III" (1986).
This is the one where they track down the screenwriters and arrest them for conspiracy to commit bad comedy. TNT.

9 p.m. "Walker: Texas Ranger"
While on undercover assignment as a high school teacher, Walker is pinned down in a vicious spitball shootout. Channel 5.

8 a.m. "Daffy Duck"
Daffy is confronted by mental health advocates who insist he change his name to Non-Conformist-Free-Thinking Duck. Channel 20.

8 p.m. "Prime Time Live"
A look at household dangers including faulty water heaters, electric garage doors and those new electric food processing guillotines. Channel 7.

6 p.m. "Investigative Reports"
Listen in on declassified White House recordings made by FDR, Truman, JFK, Lyndon Johnson and Nixon. We like the part where you hear FDR complimenting J. Edgar Hoover on his "lovely frock" Arts & Entertainment.

10 p.m. "A Gala for the President at Ford's Theatre"
We expect a lot of our presidents but enduring a performance by Jon Bon Jovi may be asking too much. Channel 7.

9 p.m. "Burning Zone"
This week's disease of the week cause people to get bald and fat. Outbreaks have been reported in Indiana, Iowa and southern Novato. Channel 44.

7 p.m. "Meerkat Family Saga"
This documentary focuses on a family of meerkats, small weasel-like creatures that live in the Kalahari Desert. It's what "Little House on the Prairie" could have been if the Ingalls had been smaller and more weasel-like. Channel 5.

8 p.m. "Fantastic Voyage" (1966).
A team of doctors are miniaturized and injected into the body of a dying man to search for the marbles, small coins and other objects he stuffed up his nose as a small child. Channel 50.

Noon "Road Rules Marathon"
MTV wanted to see what happens when you give five idiots a Winnebago and a gas card. MTV.

1 p.m. "NHL Hockey"
The San Jose Sharks and the Tampa Bay Lightning can't seem to skate without bumping into each other. Channel 36.

8 p.m. "Nature: the Joy of Pigs"
A look at pigs in nature, agriculture, folklore and Congress. Channel 22.

8 p.m. "Hercules, the Legendary Journey"
Lucy Lawless guest stars as Xena teams up with Hercules. This is a historic moment. Wear your good toga. Channel 20.

11 p.m. "Late Show with David Letterman"
Howard Stern continues his triumphant media tour. Pretty soon, you'll be able to check a box on your income tax and send him a dollar. Channel 5.

8 p.m. "Air America" (1990).
Robert Downy Jr. unwittingly smuggles drugs for the CIA during the Vietnam War. We don't know where he's scoring these days. Channel 36.

8 p.m. "Bears of the Great Lakes"
Large waddling beasts eat everything in site and then lie around all winter. And that's just in the cities. The bears lead a similar lifestyle in the nearby woods. Discovery Channel.

5 p.m. "World Series"
It's not about winning. It's not about the money. It's about the love of the game. Just kidding. It's about the money. Channel 2.

6 p.m. "Night of the Gullible"
A whole evening of "X-Files"-style paranormal science. They're looking for Dracula at 6 p.m., examining crop circles at 7, chasing UFOs at 8 p.m. and hunting the Loch Ness Monster at 9 and digging up more vampires at 10. Then they start bringing out the really outlandish claims like "One-Hour Dry Cleaning" and "deficit reduction" Discovery Channel.

7 p.m. "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
If the elf wanted to be a dentist, why couldn't he just be a dentist? What kind of place was Santa running. Channel 5.

9:30 p.m. "Sex in the '90s"
MTV offers a report on masturbation. We figured it out on our own. MTV.

7 p.m. "The Lion King" (1994).
The Disney blockbuster comes to television with all the music, all the love, all the splendor and all the colossal rating that are so important during sweeps month. Channel 7


TUESDAY

6 p.m. "It Takes a Thief"
A reformed thief helps a fraternity tighten security. It turns out one of the brothers was caught sneaking in a text book. Discovery Channel.

7 p.m. "Love Lessons"
A middle-aged married couple must cope with a shocking change in their lifestyle when the 50-year-old wife becomes pregnant, forcing them to explore such issues as child care, financial planning, emotional readjustment and finding a retirement home with a teen center. (2000) Lifetime.

9 p.m. "Mega Disasters: Asteroid Apocalypse"
A look at what would happen if a 2-kilometer wide asteroid hit the Pacific Ocean off the coast of Los Angeles. Also: what we can do to help that happen. History Channel.

9:30 p.m. "Help Me Help You"
In this new sitcom, Ted Danson plays the psychiatrist for a gang of strangers in group therapy together. This is basically what "Cheers" would have been if they'd had Prozac on tap. ABC.

8 p.m. "Heroes"
In this new adventure series, ordinary people suddenly realize they have superhuman abilities that could change the world. You may have superhuman abilities too, if you can find the remote. NBC.

8 p.m. "Gilmore Girls"
Lorelai wakes up in bed with Christopher. This is why we stopped drinking tequila. CW.

8 p.m. "Talk to Her"
A nurse and a journalist each fall in love with different coma patients. If you think this sounds like reality "Dating Game" spin-off, there is a career waiting for you in Hollywood. (2002) Independent Film Channel.

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